pop tarts are not kleenex
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
where are my eyebrows?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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