I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
