walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
