You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
