He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
