i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
