Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
