do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
