oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
