I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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