I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
