fuck your aforementioned shoe
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm both gender and math confused
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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