i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
