My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I think your dad took our porno
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
