i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
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I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
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I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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