I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
