I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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