If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
