thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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