What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
