just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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