Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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