she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
