Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
