Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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