she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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