don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
