remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
