I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
