im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
