new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
