i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
