I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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