I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
