I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
