Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
