I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
