hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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