I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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