My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?