Betty ford says i'm here all night
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
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the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
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When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.