After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.