His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.