I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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