Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize