My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
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i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
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We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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