Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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