Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Randomize
