the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
