Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
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I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
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Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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