Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
