After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
