do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
