He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
