my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
