I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
