if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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