Non-Jews are for practice
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
