I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
