I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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