i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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