I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
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I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
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Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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